40-I'm So Glad You Don't Have A Dog

I'm So Glad You Don't Have A Dog

by Jaxon Cohen

I've never said this to anyone who admits they don't have one, but much of the time, I'd like to. Although this post is a celebration of the dog, it is tailored for those considering ownership.

Dogs are amazing. Along with the horse, they are key to our evolution from cavemen to modern-men. They are the only land animal that understands the concept of pointing. Without training, a chimp will not understand you, pointing at a bucket of food. All it sees is a human with its arm raised and finger extended. Dogs get it from the get-go. Plus, no one reads the complexities of a human face better. One look into your eyes and they got you; they know you from friend or foe. But the cliché is limited. Sometimes on a personal level, the dog just doesn't like you. That's when its time to relax and bring treats. But please, first get the owner's permission.

Dogs do crazy-cool things. For instance, take a look at their wagging tail. Many believe it means “happy to see you.” They are only half right. And I literally mean right. Research shows they will tend to wag to the right if they are happy. Now if they are anxious, it will be more to the left. And why do they walk in circles before they poop? Again, research shows they are aligning themselves to the magnetic poles – totally useful if you're lost.

Dogs guide our way, pay close attention to our feelings, know when we are ill, protect us from threats, provide comfort to the sick, find food, rescue us from peril, share in our sports, find our way home, catch criminals, herd livestock, posses an intuition that boarders on magic, remain by our side, and die with honor. But the most miraculous thing is their unconditional love for us.

The American Dream consists of a house, white picket-fence, green grass, and a dog to enjoy it all with. But the dog's dream is different. Dogs dream of one thing: an engaged, attentive, loving, effective master. I use the word master intentionally. Dogs derive security and confidence from their alpha, their owner. Their brains are constructed to succeed within a well-ordered hierarchy. In order to do that, they must feel well-placed. Puppies are great fun but adolescents are willful. Owners who do not know how to assert themselves early in their dog's life will forever make the claim that they had the bad luck of getting a bad dog. Enter reality-TV. For the most part, these shows do an effective job illustrating specific solutions to common problems. But overall, the kernel of their work is not with the dog but the owners. Dogs don't hold grudges and adapt quickly to best-practices.

Training a dog is simple. Training yourself to be an effective master is not. There are guidelines. Use the same simple sharp sounds as commands. Don't plead. Remain stoic until success and then praise lavishly. Never punish; instead reinforce, both positively and negatively. Understanding the difference between negative reinforcement and punishment can be difficult for some. Consider this: negative is denying the carrot while positive is giving it; punishment is the stick. Punishment is more than physical; it's emotional. And angry screams can be as devastating as violent contact. Remember, the ultimate reward a dog will ever have is your genuine praise. Far too many people get a dog before they are emotionally ready. They want the dream and the dog is part of it. Dogs are not mantelpieces. Dogs are people too and require effort. If you want a dog, you must be ready for a profound relationship; until you are, wait.

Dogs require exercise. The best-trained dog becomes unruly without it and it's amazing how well they listen with it. Tying-up your dog in the backyard for six-hours doesn't count, no matter how long the chain. We spend eight hours a day at work. If you do not have a minimum of eight a week to walk around the neighborhood, this isn't right for you.

Dogs require space. Enough room in your home and access to open areas are non-negotiable. Allowing them in bed and on furniture is your call; be consistent. When it comes to a crate, spend a minute in one with that depressing view before you ask your dog to spend hours and hours each day in a box without escape. On the other hand, certain situations require a crate for their security and make them part of the deal. Make sure yours allows for freedom of movement.

Dogs require attention. If you don't have time to simply sit and pass the day with your dog, don't get one. Dogs also require the right kind of attention. If you have no experience training an animal, if you've never taken a class, then you don't know what you're doing and shouldn't own a dog until you do. If you must have a pet now, cats are good practice (or maybe try a fish).

Some people don't have the capacity for ownership. “Thank you,” if you're wise enough not to get one. Neglected, unsupervised, malnourished, filthy, neurotic animals are a tragedy and can cause problems. Be honest with yourself. Wait. Do your research. Find a vet. And prepare for the unpredictable. They're a joy but they need stuff and when they die, they'll rip your heart out. So think about it before you make the commitment and until then, I'm so glad you don't have a dog.